Win Lose Situation

Win: Me. When you play an eight-game season, every game counts. Team FAT 1 (free agent team #1), a band of misfits of varying levels of talent, skill, athleticism, and assholicism, seemed destined for mediocrity. Each game was a challenge, nay, a struggle. Other teams were faster and stronger, yet we came out on top in every game I played. Yes, I took a few off, but it was all in good judgement. I was fresh for the playoffs. And in those playoffs, we won, and we won again. And we were champions.

Lose: Unfortunately, those playoffs were delayed a months by the blizzard of '09. The four-team tournament was played on January 4th, which I can tell you is no longer "fall". This was falls cold, stupid brother, winter. And if I've ever been more cold I can't tell you when. 35 mph winds and temperatures in the teens are not things that I would associate with warmth. So as you can now see, although I have the hardware to prove I'm a winner, I also have the face, to show I'm a loser.

Happiness? Or pain?

That is a good looking dude.

Old, New, and out of the Blue

Old: Christmas Lights. Honestly, I thought that in delaying this post about a week, I'd be too late to blog about it. But on my way home TODAY, I saw at least a half dozen houses lit like it was still December 25th. What exactly are they waiting for? I'm sorry children, if Santa hasn't come yet, he is not coming. I mean we're halfway to Easter..might as well keep em up 'til then. And if you make it that far it's almost Christmas in July. Hell, then we're back to real Christmas again. That is SOoOOo convenient!!111!

If you assume that the lights have been up since Black Friday when most giddy Christmas decoration enthusiasts put their lights up (and I actually don't mean to sound insulting about that because you're talking to the guy who was lazy and put his lights up... never), then that's... well I'm also too lazy to get a calendar but it has to be at least 150 days ago. It's enough people, let's take the lights down. Or at least not plug them in.

Pardon me for sounding like Andy Rooney on 60 minutes, but another thing thats getting old is the "that's why the terrorists hate us" joke. If you've never heard, it's basically the line you say after someone makes a comment about how absurd Americans are. It was kind of funny the first time, but it's just overused now. Plus, I am proud that American families love buying bulk toilet paper and 5 gallon jars of mayonnaise at Costco.

New: The word, "ladywood".

In a sentence:
Marshall: "You think she was into me?"
Ted: "Full on lady-wood."
It's about time there was a word for a girlboner.

Out of the blue: I just put this in the title to make it rhyme.

Mike Krzyzewski Has Never Seen the Movie "Glory Road"

I just realized I can't watch Duke play basketball. My TV doesn't have a pale enough white to accurately display the skin tones of 4/5 of their starting lineup, and what I'm pretty sure is their entire bench. This is the whitest team I've seen in ages. I cannot look at Kyle Singler. Coach K, let these kids out of the gym. They need the sunlight.

Disclaimer: The words of this post shall not be construed as racist. 'Cause I am half white.

The Holidays

Gift Bags = Lazy Wrapping Paper

Egg nog is still not very good.

Thank you.

Clean Up After Yourself

I write to you from a plane. I think i've told everyone how awesome Virgin America is because they have wifi on their planes. And since they're giving it away for free, it's even more awesome. Except for the fact that I may miss my connecting flight because the plane took off an hour late (we'll have to see how that one turns out).

I'm going to let you in on a personal mindset of mine, that I've only recently realized I harbor. I like access. What kind? I'm not talking about internet access, although it is nice to be able to waste every moment of free time I have. I'm talking about access to a restroom. It's not like I have to go all the time or anything, but I like to be able to go if nature calls. It's why I'm sitting in an aisle seat right now. I don't have to do that awkward half-bent, half-squat scoot and shimmy past everyone in the row to get to my destination when I want to.

That's just some background, however, and you've probably learned more about me than you need to know. The point is, I get to the lavatory and walk in and theres trash everywhere and someone obviously has poor aim. I can be lazy and not clean it up, as it wasn't my mess in the first place, but then you KNOW the next guy or girl who goes in there is gonna look at you like you're a serial killer for the rest of the trip. So I HAVE to clean it up. I'm not paid to clean bathrooms (anymore). This is ridiculous. Clean up after yourself.

The 90's Were Awkward

I was in Las Vegas listening to the radio, and I heard "It Feels So Good" by Sonique. You remember that 90's techno classic, probably got heavy play on Z 104 (act like you didn't just get nostalgic). Anyway, wasn't sure at the time who actually sang the song, and well, I'm okay with that. I thought it might be that song the worst looking Spice Girl came out with after they broke up. So I got curious, and I was right. Here's what I found:



Seriously, they couldn't get her a better wardrobe? Is she allergic to jeans and form fitting pants? That fast-motion cloud sequence really brought me back. I'm glad I was young and impressionable when the 90's rolled through. I hope there aren't any lasting effects. It's embarrassing. The 90's were the middle school of decades.

In all fairness, this guy is guilty, the song is awesome.

Oh, Deer

I hate driving down Route 17 South.

I've only done it twice counting today, but I have good reason to hate it.

First, it's where I got my ticket back when I was in high school for going 82 in a 55 mph zone. Well, it was more like... 90's, but who's counting? I was momentarily an idiot, and the day was so traumatizing that I now try to keep my speed at only about 15 over the limit.

Second, it goes to Virginia beach.

But really, anyone will tell you thats a dumb way to get from Northern Virginia down to the Hampton Roads area. While "Middlesex County" may sound more intriguing than Before or Aftersex Counties, it's full of cops waiting to pull you over. The first time I drove 17 I thought I'd be beating 95 traffic and didn't know better. This time I was coming from my Dad's in southern Maryland on 301 and I mistakenly followed a sign that said "Newport News, this way!" and ended up on 17. Remember--the trauma--so I almost turned around immediately after I realized my folly. But I decided to face my fear and carried on.

I set the cruise control at 1 mph above the speed limit on my trusty rented Dodge Ram to ensure nothing could go wrong. Both feet up on the dash and hands behind my head, I continued driving to the hotel room I currently live in. But this is 17, it doesn't leave you alone. It was getting dark, and since no one else was on the road, the shape I saw in the road seemed mysterious. Well, the mystery was quickly over, as I realized it was a dumb stupid deer probably trying to eat asphalt about 50 feet ahead of the truck's oversized grill. I hit the breaks and the horn simultaneously, and my luggage/clothes hangers/face lunged forward. Luckily, the dumb stupid deer got out of the way, because like my American Indian ancestors, I believe in using all parts of any animal I kill, and I certainly was not going to ruin the Five Guys I was planning on having for dinner. Naw but seriously, I'm not trying to kill a baby deer and I'm glad that everybody made it out alright, although it does give new meaning to "deer in headlights" for me personally.

All in all, I consider evading wildlife and not getting pulled over as counting for two points, so I'm beating Rt. 17 2-1. Hopefully, the game is over.